I've not posted in a while because I've been doing some self searching, courtesy of the book we are doing in my women's care group at church. The last few weeks have had me analyze the priorities in my life and why I act the way I do, whether or not I truly give my best to those things God has deemed priorities in my life, and how well I deal with forgiveness (of other people and myself).
Through the discussions and study questions, I've realized that I'm dealing with an issue of pride. Now, if you've met me or know me, you may not think I'm a prideful person. (At least, I don't think so.) I'm not one who goes around telling others how talented and wonderful I am. I don't brag about my accomplishments. I don't treat others like I'm better than they are. I would say I am a fairly humble person.
See, pride is not just bragging and talking about yourself. God revealed to me that pride isn't just shown in your words and how you approach others, but also in your actions and the way you approach tasks. I'm very methodical about the way I approach things, always trying to plan for every possibility so I'm not caught unprepared. I've always thought that was a good quality to have. Truth is, it can be, if done properly. I've been doing it wrong. I learned that when I start planning and organizing without consulting with God first, I don't allow Him to work in the midst, leading to frustration and failure. This has been made abundantly clear in my quest for employment.
I belong to several job search sites and have a listing of others I rotate throughout the week as I do my searches. I literally spend a minimum of three hours a day following leads, checking out companies, completing applications, etc. I have applied to several, with little nibbles here and there, but nothing has led to a regular schedule and paycheck. I've been so busy working in my sphere of knowledge and resources that I haven't let God work with His. My pride and "preparation" have pushed Him to the side.
During Bible study this week, my pastor made the following statement: "If you are in the midst of hardship, worship." Hmmm. I began thinking about the hardship my family is facing now in the form of finances. I posted before that the need to supplement the household income was definitely coming and the sources we thought were available have not come through. They still have not. Which led me to think of another thing my pastor said within the past week. He asked how far we need to fall or how much we need to go through/have God remove from us before we "get it." We can't work in our own power because that power is not sufficient enough for us to accomplish what God wants us to do. Nor does working in our own power allow God to get the glory for what has been accomplished. When we do things in our own power (and are successful), we have a tendency to say we did it, which is a form of worshipping and trusting in ourselves, our abilities (that are God-given, by the way), and our accomplishments. Where is God in that scenario? No where. Sometimes we minimize our blessing because we minimized God in the process. We need to worship Him, to ask for guidance, and to trust Him to work throughout the situation because He truly knows what is best for us and will provide for us if we let Him.
Trust. That word again.
I haven't been truly trusting God in the area of my employment. Other areas, yes. But not that one. I realized that I need to turn the search over to Him because He knows where He wants me to be, what He wants me to do, and who He wants me to impact. I need to allow Him to lead me where He would have me to be.
To TRUST Him in the process.
And let my pride go.